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The Genetics of Santa Claus
Recent research into Santa's chromosomal make-up has revealed somewhat
surprising evidence.This branch
of science received a gigantic boost when it was finally realised that instead
of wasting time thinking about a sleigh breaking the sound barrier, why
we don't hear sonic booms and how Santa can physically carry so many toys,
that the more fruitful route was to investigate and discover the actual
source of Christmas Magic.
This has met with some scepticism from a
few sourpuss scientists and others who enjoyed disappointing small children
with "hard facts". Ultimately we hope that they may come to understand the
significance of Christmas Magic - gene therapy has been mooted for
some of the more recalcitrant individuals.
As we all know, the DNA that carries the
plan to make an entire you is contained in the nucleus of each body cell
(billions of them) and arranged in structures called chromosomes. Chromosomes
usually hang around in pairs and most people have 23 pairs.
Santa has a similar genetic make-up to everyone else, except that he has
3 extra chromosomes - this is known as Trisomy 25 - (for the 25th
of December).
 These
extra chromosomes are uniquely shaped and can be easily identified in a
karyotype (picture of all the chromosomes) of Santa taken from a hair follicle
found besides the remains of a mince-pie last December 24th 2005 (credit
- Mr. Precious Mtungi from Old Town, Mombasa, Kenya for spotting this).
The unusual shape of the chromosomes is in large part responsible for Santa's
unique form of magic, especially the third chromosome.
Further evidence has come to light that shows that the reindeer have one
of these chromosome 25's (faecal sample found and analysed quickly by a
special fixation procedure in a mixture of egg nog and punch (credit - Anuradha
Patel, Nilambur, Kerala, India).
Finally another DNA sample derived from another hair follicle found inside
a hand-knitted woolly hat is thought to have come from one of Santa's elves
when he was trying it on after Mrs. Claus had knitted it (credit - Brendan
McNamara in Portnescully, Co. Kerry, Ireland)
Thus the following picture has been assembled:
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1/ The first of the chromosome
25's known as the "Holly Homolog" - it is curiously shaped
akin to a holly leaf, with telomeres that increasingly resemble
holly berries with age.
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2/ The second form of chromosome
25 is known as the "Redemption of Scrooge Homolog" - it resembles,
as some say a generously sized turkey, though any similarity is
regarded by the scientific community as fanciful.
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3/ The third and most mysterious
of the three chromosome 25 homologues is called the "Angel of
Christmas Homolog" - it is oddly formed, but of course doesn't
look like the fairy on anybody's Christmas Tree as that would be
daft.
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Santa's karyotype
Santa's karyotype arranged in homologous pairs (and a magical
three)
The Significance of the Chromosome 25 Homologues
1/ The "Holly Homolog" is thought to contain
the basic magic of Christmas. That it is found in Santa's reindeer is almost
beyond doubt (what other form of dung that is evaporating to glitter-dust before
your eyes would you see on your roof on Christmas Eve?)
It is also hypothesized to be found in Santa's
Elves and somewhat controversially in DNA that is thought to be from Santa himself
("Well I saw this large jolly man with a big white beard eating a mince pie
as I was falling asleep, he went "shhhh" and had a big bag of toys" - Gladys
Mtungi, aged 6 - Kenya).
2/ The second homolog, the "Redemption of Scrooge Homolog" is thought
to contain the next level of Christmas magic, it also introduces the "human
element" to Christmas. Sometimes the chromosome is present and sometimes it
isn't depending on the mental attitude of the observer of the karyotype - a
simple thought of "bah humbug" is enough to make the chromosome disappear when
viewed with a standard optical microscope.
3/ The third homolog, the "Angel of Christmas" is as so far discovered,
the most unusual and rarest chromosome of all, probably eclipsing "Krypton Super",
which while only found on earth in Superman is thought to be a common dominant
on the yet unfound planet Krypton.
The Angel-of-Christmas is purported to be the source
of such genes as:
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knows where all the kids in the
world live |
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knows whether or not you've eaten
all your vegetables |
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weren't me
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- the latter being particularly enigmatic and
potentially surprising given Santa's usually conformist proclivities.
The Angel-of-Christmas is what makes Santa the man he is. The Redemption of Scrooge
Homolog makes him a particularly nice and generous guy and means that any scary
little elves in funny hats and shoes you meet are ultimately ok.
The more basic Holly Homolog can be found in a range
of species (Santa, elves, reindeer) and may well turn out to be a form of archaic
DNA akin to that found in mitochondria - it may initially have been a successful
form of early genetic engineering by St. Nicholas.
So Where Lies the Future?
Santa and Christmas research is an especially unique
branch of science.
Current research is focused on the hypotheses:
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The nicer you are, the better
your life is |
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It really is better to give than
receive |
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many a mickle maks a muckle
(sponsored by Mrs. Claus's Scottish Uncle Hamish)
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Funding for this research is continually being sought and
is somewhat unique as might be expected of the field. Good deeds and kindnesses
especially by children and especially if the recipient is a stranger and deserving,
boost funding in a sort of universal karma sort of way.
Keeping Christmas well also helps to boost the research as do,
being good, eating all your vegetables and not letting the Christmas sourpusses
who "don't get it" from bothering anyone.
Warning - if anything on this page is congruent with the truth
- it is either by accident rather than device or specifically for comedic effect.
- webmaster
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